Life: "Not Good Enough"

I have been struggling of recent with my depression and its not helped at the minute by my having another MS relapse. My first relapse since March, so that's good going, but its not a nice one.  Lack of feeling in right hand side, sight in right eye being blurry, headache, not sleeping, fatigue and general pain.  I have been on the MS medication for two months now  - its not that they aren't working, but they aren't there to stop all relapses, just to stop them being as regular, which is good news.  

Anyway like I said I have been struggling with the depression and am trying to get myself out of the black hole and dismiss the black dog. I have great friends and support but also need to be self reliant and reliant on God. But its amazing when you read things or watch things and they speak to you just when you need them too.

I previously posted a post by Emma Scrivener and today her new blog was posted and it again it like pure gold - this woman is an amazing person, who relies on God's strength and not her own.  Today's post entitled "Not Good Enough - Hurray" really spoke to me.  I have taken her post and made it to fit me, but you can see Emma's post here. 

I have heard myself saying to myself and my friends, but I am trying my best, that’s all that anyone can ask of me isn’t it? I am good enough just as I am.

This sounds liberating doesn’t it? Liberating. Much better than beating yourself up for always falling short. But it’s not quite the gospel is it? And if this is our hope we will probably end up condemning ourselves again. When things go wrong, we’ll mutter: But I’m doing my best…

Problem is, the gospel of ‘doing your best’ was exactly what the medieval church taught, and it ended up enslaving millions.  There are encouragements in there - but it’s built on dodgy ground. The Bible doesn’t say “You mean well, that’s what counts.”

It doesn’t say, “God helps those who help themselves.” Or even, “Give it your best shot…”

God doesn’t love a trier. He loves a quitter – someone who recognises that their best is not enough. Not the woman who gives it her all – the woman who gives her all to Him.

Okay then. But what do I do with my sense of failure? Pretend it’s not there? Even though it is…  When I beat myself up I uphold a kind of truth but there’s no grace.

When I tell myself “my best is good enough” I have some sense of grace but at the expense of truth.

Both of these lead to self-condemnation. But here is the gospel: I’m not good enough. Me, trying my best for goodness sakes, is a big part of the problem. However, I’m forgiven. I’m cleansed. I’m adopted and now, as God’s child I’m sent out again – knowing my weakness but clothed in His strength.

I’m not the daughter / friend / sister / worker / parishioner I want to be.  I am not who my family and friends need me to be and most importantly I am not who God created me to be.  But the best thing is, I AM FORGIVEN. The blood of Jesus purifies me from every sin, every failure, and every shortcoming. This means that I’m free to enter God’s calling on my life – not on the basis of my best but on the basis of Christ’s best

I may not be good enough, but thankfully God is.  And I need to live my life, not by my own understanding or strength but by God’s. Thank God for that as I can’t do life alone, and am not being asked to as God is with me.