Flash Fiction: There is Hope

 It was a difficult period of her life, Sally thought she was at breaking point, not knowing whether she was coming or going. Her mind and thoughts were all at sea and her body was aching with the pain. The emotional, mental and physical pain.  She just wanted it all to disappear.

It had been a rough couple of years with many changes – moving countries, looking for job, losing friends, trying to make new friends and health issues which were all taking their toll on Sally’s emotion – she cried most of time, was irritable with people, wasn’t content on being on her own, but also needed to be on her own. She just felt that anything that could go wrong has gone wrong – there was nothing more she could do. Someone or something was out to get her!

However, in the more sane times Sally was able to realise that not everything in her was bad, it wasn’t all going backwards or falling apart.  There were good elements to her life, people who loved her and places she could go where she felt safe and loved.  The sad thing was that these moments were few and far between and when the black dog of depression came visiting she couldn’t think straight and a bottle of Jack Daniels and a box of full strength painkillers looked like an appealing way out of this downward spiral she was in.

The only questions left was would she do it? Would she take the pills? Would she drink the whisky? Was it really the best way out? Was she strong enough to say goodbye to the world that way? Was it selfish taking her own life and leaving friends and family behind? Would she get into heaven? Ok so that is more than one question – but all Sally knew was that her head was buzzing all the time, she could not think straight and this seemed like the answer. It would solve all her problems. Her way out.

Late one Saturday night Sally sat on her sofa in the living room, staring at the painkiller and the bottle of Jack Daniels which were sitting on the kitchen table in front of her.  The room was silent and the room was dark. It was just Sally and her thoughts. 

The silence was freaking Sally out a little bit so she decided to turn the radio one, as she felt it would drown out the noise in her head. Noise she could not make sense of. 

The radio was tuned into the local radio station and the news had just come in.  Sally was half listening to what was being said, but then she sat up straight, paying full attention to the words being spoken by the news reader.  What was she hearing? Was it correct?   The news reader was saying that a local policeman who had been charged with crimes against women had been found hanging in his prison cell.

Sally could not believe what she was hearing. Was it true? Was he really dead? Did he finally feel guilt for what he had done to her, for what he had done too other women?

What did this mean for Sally now? Well, she thought, I no longer have to be afraid of him being released and coming after me for testifying against him in court.  Would this news mean that she could move on from what had happened to her? Could she finally begin to live after all those years of hiding behind the mask of a victim? Would life get brighter?

First of all Sally had to know whether the news was true, but it was too late to ring anyone and confirm, but she needed to know, because if it was true then her plans for that evening may change dramatically.  She rang the police liaison officer that had been assigned to her during the court case. 

Sally dialled the number on her mobile phone and the call connected. When Penny picked up the phone, all Sally could here from the other side, was “Yes, it’s true. I was just about to ring you.  It’s true. Drew is gone”

Drew. Sally could never bring herself to say his name, or even think his name.  Yes, she had thought about him many times, more than she ever cared to remember.  For months, every time she closed her eyes, all she could see was his face.  But she could never say his name out loud.   If she could keep his name from escaping her mouth then it felt less real than it really was – yes she had the dreams, memories and thoughts but these were closed inside her head – no one else had access to him. As long as he was kept inside her head, she felt like she was more in control.

Now that she had heard his name being said, everything came rushing back to her.  The smell of the room, the smell of him, the colour of his shirt, the sound of the hand cuffs clicking, the deafening silence, the rushed breathing sounds, the rip of clothing, the whispers of his words in her ear goading her, the coldness of the steal toe cap on his boots against her skin and she could clearly see the mark on the floor which she had fixed her eyes on during the ordeal. 

For the following days, weeks, months and even years Sally felt that she could not go on with life anymore. Nothing tasted the same, nothing smelt the same, and she had lost trust in people.  On the days that she could get out of bed, she went to work, but could barely focus on what she was doing, she was an emotional mess.

On the day all this took place, Sally was in despair, there was nothing she could do, and she was trapped. The only thing she could do was pray, and pray she did. She prayed for protection, for someone to come and rescue her. This didn’t work, she was alone, no one was watching out for her, or over her, and she was alone. Alone lying on the ground, blood on her face, her clothes ripped and the pain, oh the searing pain. It was too much to bear.  Some people can just be so cruel, not having a care in the world for anyone else’s feelings but their own – or caring what pain they inflict on people as long as they get their pleasure!  But how does anyone get pleasure from giving other people pain? I will never understand that.

In the following months all Sally could think was why her? Why did no one stand up for me? Why did no one protect me? Where was God in all this?

Sally turned to alcohol to take away her pain – but this didn’t help any, she just woke up in the morning with a very sore head and the pain and memories where still in her head and her heart.   She needed a break, she needed someone or something to fix her.

A chance encounter brought her into the life of Tom.  The night she met him, she told him everything. Sally don’t know why she did this, but afterwards it felt like she was being guided to meet him and talk to him. Tom listened to her and reassured her all would be ok and he would do all he could to help her. And he did, he found her professional help, put her in touch with people who became good friends and life was starting to look up.

For a couple of years Sally was able to live, but still had all the memories and the nightmares, but she was still able to live – she travelled to other countries and even her faith was getting back on track – she never lost her love for God  - but she lost trust in him  - where was he when she needed him?  But she still went to Church, because that’s all she knew what to do, it’s what she had been brought up to do, and it’s what she knew – and it helped, slowly but surely life was getting better.

Yeah life was going well, then she moved countries due to work but after arriving and starting her new job, the company folded and she was unemployed again. She had no friends in this new place, no church family, nothing for her - ok that’s not strictly true, she did have friends and family but they were not near her - yes they were a phone call away but there was no one there to give her a hug.

Sally’s depression was starting to set in again, she felt alone and useless – and then she met someone, she met Bailey who became a friend to her, a good friend. They had fun and Baily was giving Sally a reason to live again, but then her health took a dive and she was diagnosed with Cancer.  When this news was given to her, all Sally could think was why me? What did I do to deserve all the crap that life has thrown at me? Why did God let this happen?

This is why Sally was sitting at her kitchen table late on a Saturday night contemplating on whether to end her life or not. But now there was hope, a light had come on in her dark world – she could move on again – she was moving on before but then the C-Bomb hit and all spiralled out of control again, but there had been good times before that and she needed to hand onto that. God was there, ok these things happened to her, but she survived the horrible ordeal, she had made new friends, she had got through the darkness once, she could get through it again.

Sally knew she needed to focus on the positives and remember the good things that happened to her, relive the good memories, learn how to not fall apart during the tough times.  She had to believe what her family and friends told her, she was a great person, she did have talents, and she did have much to give. 

Sally had not always been able to think this straight, when the dark times hit, they really hit and Sally found it hard to get out of them.  This is when the pills and alcohol seemed to come out on to the table.  This was the umpteenth time Sally had walked this path, would this be the last time, and would she go through with it?

No, once Sally got off the phone with Penny, she stood up, took the bottle of Jack Daniels, took the lid off and poured it down the sink.  Why? Because there was hope. There was a light. There was a greater reason to carry on and live and Sally did the only thing she could do, she got down on her knees and prayed. She wasn’t on her own anymore – she wasn’t fighting by herself. She could get through anything now, she was not on her own anymore. There is hope.